How Does Attachment effect our Love Life?
A Beginners Guide To Attachment Theory
Have you ever wondered how some of your friends are able to pick themselves up by their bootstraps after a relationship ends, yet you’re stuck feeling helpless each and every time?
Or, maybe you’ve experienced a time when someone has pushed you away seemingly out of the blue despite no major problems in your friendship.
This all stems back to our childhoods.
Yep - our childhoods affect us deeply even as adults. The way we were raised by our parents has a direct influence over how we make, keep, and cope with relationships.
Each and every one of us falls into a different category related to attachment theory.
Stick around because we’re going to discuss what attachment theory is, why it’s important to understand your own, and how to overcome unhealthy attachment styles in your own life.
A Brief History of Attachment Theory:
John Bowlby, a British Psychologist, is the pioneer of attachment theory.
He proposed the idea that babies are born with an innate desire to form bonds with others. Depending on the way their parents cared for and nurtured them will shape and mold the way they perceive the world and others.
He first noticed attachment styles when he observed babies being separated from their mothers for a brief period of time. Some got visibly upset, while others didn’t seem to mind at all. This sparked his entire life of research.
What Does Attachment Theory Say?
Attachment theory relates back to the idea that humans need to form an emotional bond with a caregiver from birth.
If this bond is healthy and the child's needs are met, the child will then grow into a mature adult able to handle rejection, criticism, and other life difficulties.
If this bond is strained in any way, such as a neglectful or abusive parent, the child will have a difficult time forming relationships as they get older.
No, not everything you struggle with is your parent's fault, however, psychologists are solid in their understanding that the first months of a child's life are particularly important in determining how they bond with and perceive others in life.
Different Attachment Styles:
There are four perceived attachment styles that have stark similarities in childhood that then follow an individual into adulthood. Each of these styles plays a role in relationships as we grow older, both romantic and platonic.
Attachment Style
Childhood
Adulthood
Secure
Parents were:
Responsive
Caring
Patient
Empathetic
Playful
These adults are able to form healthy, trusting relationships.
They have higher self-esteem and self-confidence.
They are able to make social connections and communicate with others.
Anxious
Parents were:
Inconsistent
Sometimes loving, sometimes not
Emotionally absent
These adults have learned others may not come through for them when they need them. They’re afraid of abandonment and often struggle with anxiety as adults.
Avoidant
Parents were:
Abusive
Neglectful
Unresponsive
These adults struggle to voice their needs with others. They often push away intimacy as they fear it.
Disorganized
Parents were:
Loving but also a source of fear
Inconsistent in their responses
These adults struggle to understand how to make connections with others. They show signs of more than one attachment type.
As we see above, the way we form attachments early on leaves a deep imprint on us that is carried well into adulthood.
For those who experienced a healthy relationship with a parent or caregiver, this translates into healthier friendships and romantic partnerships down the road as they were given a positive role model to look up to.
For those who had parents that were either abusive, neglectful, or inconsistent with their needs, these adults may have had to learn to set aside their own wants or desires to keep peace at home - resulting in many social difficulties as an adult.
How Does Our Attachment Style Affect Relationships?
While our attachment style can affect our friendships, it’s much more obvious when in a romantic relationship.
Are you someone that begins to feel overwhelming anxiety when you don’t hear back from your partner right away?
Or, maybe you’ve noticed that as soon as someone begins to get close to you you’re immediately turned off. This can all relate back to your attachment style.
Secure Attachments In Relationships:
For adults that experienced a healthy parent relationship growing up, it's no surprise they have the best outcomes in relationships.
These adults are often in tune with their needs and desires and have no problem communicating them with the other person.
In addition, these adults are able to set clear boundaries and aren’t afraid to be alone if they have to. They feel self-confident in who they are and what they bring to the table. Individuals with secure attachment styles make the best partners.
Anxious Attachments In Relationships:
If you were raised in a home where your parent or caregiver was inconsistent with responding to your needs, or if they were present and then suddenly absent (whether emotionally or physically) you may suffer from an anxious attachment style as an adult.
You may have a difficult time trusting people or have an overwhelming fear of abandonment.
This can cause an individual to stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships for fear of being left behind.
They can come across as clingy, overly-emotional, or irrational at times due to anxiety left behind from childhood.
Avoidant Attachments In Relationships:
Did your childhood look like you taking care of your parent?
Maybe you experienced abuse at the hands of your mother, father, or caregiver. Or, perhaps they simply left you to fend for yourself.
If any of these were the case you may now experience an avoidant attachment style. While you want to be close to others, you fear any sort of intimacy.
You immediately push others away when you feel as though your individuality is threatened. You’re used to taking care of yourself and don’t feel as though you need anyone to take care of you.
This causes you to have major difficulties maintaining both romantic and platonic relationships.
Disorganized Attachments In Relationships:
Just as the name suggests, this type of attachment style is chaotic, confusing, and can be frustrating both for you and your partner.
On one hand, you may feel a strong urge to form close bonds with others but on the other hand, you don’t feel as though you deserve love or intimacy.
This often stems from major wounds caused by your early caregivers as someone who was once a pillar of love suddenly becomes an object of fear. (Think of a loving father who becomes an angry drunk).
This extreme fear of rejection mixed with the overwhelming fear of abandonment may cause you to experience unpredictable behaviors while in a relationship.
Why Is It Important To Understand Your Attachment Style?
The biggest reason why it’s important to gain a better understanding of your attachment style is because you can heal from them! Yes, even if you’re well into adulthood, you can overcome unhealthy attachment styles.
While it may take time and inner work, your attachment style doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be in unhealthy relationships forever.
The more you read up on your attachment style the quicker you can identify when those unhelpful thoughts or toxic behaviors begin to arise. If you’re well aware that you have an avoidant attachment style you can identify the urge to push others away right from the get-go, and avoid ruining a relationship with someone you love.
The first step in all of it is to educate yourself as much as possible.
Knowledge is power. The more you know and learn about yourself, the easier it will be to stop it. There are many podcasts, books, and social media groups out there to support those with the same attachment style as you.
Finding a community of those who struggle with the same problems as you do is incredibly empowering. Getting advice from someone who has walked this healing journey before you can give you valuable insight you simply can’t get anywhere else.
You can overcome your attachment style.
Start Attachment Therapy. Your childhood does not have to define you forever.
At VDC Counseling in Virginia, we know it doesn’t have to be that way and we want to help you get where you need and want to be. To getting started follow these steps:
Schedule your first therapy appointment and meet with our caring online therapist.
Enjoy a caring, compassionate therapist dedicated to helping you start living a happy and full life.
VDC-Counseling LLC by Valeria D’Amato Caputi, LPC
1600 Wilson Blvd #702
Arlington, VA 22209
Phone: 703-646-0640
email: valeria@vdc-counseling.com
VDC Counseling LLC in Arlington, VA doesn’t just provide counseling services for attachment therapy. Our individual therapist specialize in trauma therapy, anxiety treatment, EMDR Therapy, therapy in Italian, and depression treatment.
As well as therapy for burnout and stress in Arlington, VA. All of our services are offered through online therapy in Virginia and Maryland.
Questions? Contact us
